Make a wish

My sister is graduating with her PhD in a couple of months. I mentioned in passing to my father that my sister successfully defended her thesis last week, and that I was glad for her. (If only because this means she can finally leave behind the middle-of-nowhere town she's been hating since the day she arrived.)

My father, ever one for making statements that make me uncomfortable, said that he had had dreams that I would be a PhD as well. "I wanted that for you."

*sigh* I know he did. At one time, I wanted it as well. As time went on, I realized that I would have been doing it to please my dad. For me, there was nowhere I wanted to go that required a PhD. And so, I dreamed new dreams for myself and went on my merry way.

I have to laugh: I'm an adult with a husband, a child, a mortgage and a job that I can barely tolerate some days. And still, it stops me in my tracks to admit to my dad that I get to make my own choices.

Intellectually, I know I'm not letting him down. He loves me without any thought to degrees or achievement. But some part of me - I won't say it's a small part - yearns to do the things my father asks in order to secure his approval.

What is that, I wonder? What is it in me that feels vulnerable to the slightest hint of censure or disappointment, and how much of it is overreaction? And, I suppose, more importantly, how do I prevent my daughter from viewing me in this same way as she grows? Will I have trouble putting aside my dreams for her and let her know that I want to support what dreams she has for herself?